I can feel the bones in my leg, moving around, it’s really gross! I’m going to have ankle fusion surgery next month. This is so challenging for me! It’s hard to believe that in one second everything can change. It’s going to be so hard to relearn how to do simple things, like walking! I’m so thankful that I have wonderful friends and family that are supporting me through all of this. Thank you all so very much!
more surgery
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Rant of Ridiculousness…
I just don’t understand some people. I am sooooooooooo stressed out in almost every aspect of my life right now.
Family is stressful…but that’s to be expected, and we love them and move on
Work is stressful, and the worst part about it is I have to correct people. When I correct certain people they get all defensive, and get in my face, and pretty much jump all over me…and I am so tired of it!! I’m nice to everybody, I’m not rude or condescending, and I’m not just saying that!! It’s true. I feel like I should just do everything myself and just not bother with them anymore, but there is no way I can do everything myself, that’s just ridiculous…ugh…people are obnoxious!!
And then, there are people like these guys:
The Westboro Baptist Church is just retarded. People are just unbelievable. It would be kind of funny if it weren’t just so sad. I feel bad for these lunatics.
Why can’t the world just be peaceful and nice?
On a completely unrelated note, I’m getting excited for my birthday 
I’m still brainstorming what I want!
Posted in Angst, Randomness
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Different
I find myself pondering a lot of things lately
Amidst the trauma of a somewhat pieced together family
I wonder about myself
Would I believe differently
Would I think differently
Would I speak differently
Would my handwriting be different
Would I look different
All of these questions I ask myself
And I am unable to answer any of them
While I am happy with my life the way it is
Sometimes I wonder what it could have been
I gave you all
I’m so, SO tired of giving me all. I fee like I am dragging a weight with me…I drag it wherever I go, and it just grows and grows.
I have always been very giving, very trusting. When I give myself to something, or someone, it’s all or nothing for me. I’m giving all these pieces of myself away and not getting them back, not getting anything in return and I’m so tired of it. I’m exhausted. I’m not strong enough to continue.
And I hate it when people say something is all in the past, because that’s never true for me. My past is everything to me. And I am one who dwells on everything that comes to mind, anything that has ever happened. I just can’t let go. It’s just part of who I am, and anyone that really knows me, knows that.
I’m so tired of being taken advantage of. I’m so tired of being the “good guy” I’m tired of being the one everyone goes to for their problems…seriously…I have enough of my own.
Physical Therapy did not go so well today. We have come to the conclusion that I am not going to gain anymore motion, and I’m pretty bummed. I’m not going to be dancing or running anytime soon, maybe even never again. It’s like I’ve lost an even bigger part of myself…and I don’t think I’m gonna get this one back either…
Song of the day: I Gave you All by Mumford and Sons, from Youtube.
Posted in Sadness
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Another Word for Desperate
Straylight Run- Another Word for Desperate
This song has been consuming most of my thoughts lately. Mostly because I feel betrayed, and that everyone is going to disappoint me in some way another.
Most of the reasons at this time are too personal to disclose to the internet…sorry internet! But that’s okay. All that anyone really needs to know is that people suck…it’s as simple as that. And happy, smiling families are only on TV…and even some of those are getting pretty out of control. I’m so tired of being let down. I’m even letting myself down…ugh!
I’m on the road to recovery after my accident…I’m driving and walking…It’s only been five months, everyone is amazed with all of the progress I have made, but I am not that easy to please. I will never be good enough for myself I suppose. But for a while there was some major improvement. There is still a small fracture, and LOTS of swelling, but apart from that, lots of improvement. I’m getting my motion back, it was coming back quickly my first few weeks of Physical Therapy, but my past two weeks have not been so good, so I’m just praying for more motion to come swiftly and that I can get back to normal.
My poor car Ellen has bit the dust! 
So I have been driving my parents Acura for the time being. Saving up for a car is going to be a pain in the booty! Especially with all the other things I need to be paying for, and saving for…like hospital bills for instance boo!
Working is good for me because it gives me something to do. I’m pretty sure that if I had to stay at home and do nothing all day for much longer I would have gone insane! Speaking of staying home…I’m pretty sure that my house is haunted!! Things are appearing in weird places, cabinets in the kitchen opening by themselves, magnets falling of the fridge and landing way to far away from the fridge for it to be natural. I feel like I’m losing my mind! Well also I saw an opossum in my yard this morning…maybe there is a small creature lurking about somewhere in the house…nah…it’s probably a ghost or something 
I’m starting to think that I’m ready to start up going to school again, and then I change my mind at the last minute. My boyfriend just registered today and classes start on Wednesday I believe…I admit to a twinge of jealousy…but when he starts getting homework and stuff I’m sure he’ll be the jealous one!!
~Selanie
Posted in Angst, Anxiety, Sadness
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The “What If” Game
Since Wednesday, I have been playing an extreme version of the “What If” game. Ever played?
Let’s go back to Wednesday. I was so excited to go to the doctor to get my cast off and hear my good news. The news was supposed to go, “Well Selanie, your x-rays look great. Let’s start you on some physical therapy and in a few months you’ll be back to normal.”
Instead the news went. “Well Selanie, your x-rays show that everything is in place and should be healing, but you’re just not healing as fast as I thought you would. The fracture in your tibula seems to have healed great. But I can still see the fracture in your fibula, but I think it will fill in on it’s own. But, the talus is still in pieces, part of it is cut off from the blood supply, and the pieces are not healing together. Best case scenario if you don’t put any weight on it for the next few months it will heal itself. If not, then we may need to do another surgery, and if that doesn’t work, you may lose all motion in your ankle.”
No big deal right…no it IS a big deal. I’ve been freaking out since then. At first I was totally calm, I was just going to see how things went, and pray for the positive thing to happen. But after telling the story of my adventure to the doctor over, and over, and over again, I couldn’t take it anymore. I cried at my desk, I cried in the car on the way home, I cried when we got home, I cried that night, last night, but fortunately not today yet. The what if game is making me crazy. “What if I don’t ever heal? What if I don’t ever walk right again? What if I am not able to drive? What if I make my injury worse with my clumsiness? What if? What if? What if?”
Well then last night I realized that I am NOT in control of all of this, no matter how much I wanted to be. And even though I’m still struggling with wanting to be in control, I just have to let it go. And it’s not going to be easy, but I just need to let it go, and hope for the best. I started to think about how great it was that I finally made this breakthrough, but then I remembered how I am…I will make a breakthrough one day, and the next I am back to being depressed, so I got this great idea. At my church when we start a new sermon series there is a prayer that we say all together before the preacher starts his sermon…so I wrote myself a prayer!
“God you are in control, you’ve always been in control, and you always will be in control. Help me to realize I don’t have to be in control because you have the perfect plan for my life.”
So hopefully this slows down my “What If” game
Posted in Anxiety
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My Dream Last Night
My dreams are vivid
Flowing colors
Paint splotches
Flashes of light
I need change
I need nature
I need nurture
Your image flashes
Fights faultier
Dancing in the light
I see you smiling
I will hold on
I will find you
I will nurture
To see your whole image
I will change the world
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Brother
I wrote this a while back…
Brother I miss you, where are you tonight?
Brother I’m scared, come tell me it’s alright.
Brother I’m tired, is there place for me to rest?
Brother I’m in trouble, can you come pick me up fast?
Brother I’m lonely, do you wanna hang out?
Brother I’m uncertain, can you help ease my doubt?
Brother where are you, I miss you tonight?
Brother I’ve never met you, but you’re all I can think of tonight…
Posted in Thoughts, Writing
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Nostalgia
Old stone walls crumble down
What once was a home wears a frown
What did you see in your years of standing
I wish they’d had better landing
The mystery blinks outside your window
Old curtains as they whisper billow
Your stature never failed
But your walls did not prevail
Old stone walls crumble down
The only place in town
I once thought was haunted
Now looking daunted
I would have collected
I would have protected
I wish it was home
But it’s a place I’ve never known
There’s a story behind this…there’s an old house you drive by on the way to my house. We’ve been driving past it since I was a little girl, it’s always been my ideal “dream house.” No ones lived there in years as far as I know. Anyways, driving by it last week I saw someone had crashed their car into the wall outside, and now it looks like they’re going to tear it down. I wish they wouldn’t, I just love that old house….
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Her Morning Elegance
I feel trapped in my room today. What I mean to say is I feel walled in. I’ve been determined not to let my injury get me depressed, because I never want to go back to that dark place I made for myself in high-school. Yet I feel like I’m standing outside the door and knocking. I should be trying to get myself motivated. My cast comes off next week, but instead I’m lying in bed, depressed that I’m not somewhere else.
I’m so worried that when I go to the doctor next week he’s going to say it’s still not healed and put me in a cast for another month. Another month of this immobility and I don’t know what I’ll do. I’m ready to settle back in to MY house, sleep in MY bed, drive MYself places.
This is going to sound funny, but it’s not easy being waited on hand and foot. I just want some time alone. I’m used to being alone, and sometimes I really do like it that way. I don’t know where any of my things are. We were in the middle of redecorating before my accident, and after, my mom tried to finish without me, which was great of her, and I’m so appreciative, everything looks amazing, but I can’t find a damned thing!
I think I’ve been wearing the same 6 outfits for months now, which is bizarre for me. I like to think I express myself with what I wear, and not being able to do that is suppressing my self expression and making me into a crazy person. I know that no one will say it to my face, but I have been extremely grumpy lately (yes I know that I am grumpy!) And I apologize for that because everyone has been great to me. I am lucky to have so many people in my life to count on!
I think what I’m really trying to say, is I have no idea what’s going on in my head. I’m flustered, grumpy, and grouchy. And I’m sorry about it! So accept my apology, and maybe ignore me until I get back to normal…okay, no don’t do that.
A friend of mine posted the video below on Facebook today and it intrigued me. I liked the artisticness of it, but it was the words that intrigued me. This is how I’m feeling today.
Here’s the Link: Her Morning Elegance…From Youtube
Posted in Angst, Anxiety
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