1. Lose 20 pounds
2. Learn how to use a sewing machine
3. Paint a picture for my living room
4. Get my first tattoo
5. Start saving for my own car!!

I think I’m going to have a busy year!!

A bit outcast …learning to deal with my disabilities, it’s been a constant stream of anger, frustration, pain, and depression …ending with my core, shaken at its very foundation …wondering what reason there could be for all of these accidents and anomalies to transpire against me.

I miss the beauty I once saw in the world, the Color, the life I once saw, all gobbled up by this darkness that overshadows every thought.

I wish for the future I once saw, now I wonder if I’ll even be able to get up in the morning.

I wake up earlier and earlier each day, as it’s taking longer and longer to put on my face each morning. I strive to be unreachable, unstoppable, instead of the mess I am within.

Things will never be the way they were. I’m building my future with each step I struggle to take. With the words I cant get out, jumbled in my head.

I want to run and dance and sing with the confidence I never had before. Why couldn’t I be then what I am now.

Inside I have the strength to move mountains, a song for every day of the year, a passion that could engage the faintest heart, and a voice that could move the nations.

But I am crippled, disfigured, ugly and the greatest liar you ever heard. I’ll convince you I’m fine as I limp.away to nurse my wounds that will never heal. I’ll never be healed.

Family is stressful…but that’s to be expected, and we love them and move on

Work is stressful, and the worst part about it is I have to correct people. When I correct certain people they get all defensive, and get in my face, and pretty much jump all over me…and I am so tired of it!! I’m nice to everybody, I’m not rude or condescending, and I’m not just saying that!! It’s true. I feel like I should just do everything myself and just not bother with them anymore, but there is no way I can do everything myself, that’s just ridiculous…ugh…people are obnoxious!!

And then, there are people like these guys:
The Westboro Baptist Church is just retarded. People are just unbelievable. It would be kind of funny if it weren’t just so sad. I feel bad for these lunatics.

On a completely unrelated note, I’m getting excited for my birthday I’m still brainstorming what I want!

Would I believe differently
Would I think differently
Would I speak differently

Would my handwriting be different
Would I look different

All of these questions I ask myself
And I am unable to answer any of them

While I am happy with my life the way it is
Sometimes I wonder what it could have been

\"Burning Pile\" By: Mother Mother

I’m so tired of being taken advantage of. I’m so tired of being the “good guy” I’m tired of being the one everyone goes to for their problems…seriously…I have enough of my own.

Physical Therapy did not go so well today. We have come to the conclusion that I am not going to gain anymore motion, and I’m pretty bummed. I’m not going to be dancing or running anytime soon, maybe even never again. It’s like I’ve lost an even bigger part of myself…and I don’t think I’m gonna get this one back either…

Song of the day: I Gave you All by Mumford and Sons, from Youtube.

This song has been consuming most of my thoughts lately. Mostly because I feel betrayed, and that everyone is going to disappoint me in some way another.
Most of the reasons at this time are too personal to disclose to the internet…sorry internet! But that’s okay. All that anyone really needs to know is that people suck…it’s as simple as that. And happy, smiling families are only on TV…and even some of those are getting pretty out of control. I’m so tired of being let down. I’m even letting myself down…ugh!

I’m on the road to recovery after my accident…I’m driving and walking…It’s only been five months, everyone is amazed with all of the progress I have made, but I am not that easy to please. I will never be good enough for myself I suppose. But for a while there was some major improvement. There is still a small fracture, and LOTS of swelling, but apart from that, lots of improvement. I’m getting my motion back, it was coming back quickly my first few weeks of Physical Therapy, but my past two weeks have not been so good, so I’m just praying for more motion to come swiftly and that I can get back to normal.

My poor car Ellen has bit the dust!
So I have been driving my parents Acura for the time being. Saving up for a car is going to be a pain in the booty! Especially with all the other things I need to be paying for, and saving for…like hospital bills for instance boo!

Working is good for me because it gives me something to do. I’m pretty sure that if I had to stay at home and do nothing all day for much longer I would have gone insane! Speaking of staying home…I’m pretty sure that my house is haunted!! Things are appearing in weird places, cabinets in the kitchen opening by themselves, magnets falling of the fridge and landing way to far away from the fridge for it to be natural. I feel like I’m losing my mind! Well also I saw an opossum in my yard this morning…maybe there is a small creature lurking about somewhere in the house…nah…it’s probably a ghost or something

I’m starting to think that I’m ready to start up going to school again, and then I change my mind at the last minute. My boyfriend just registered today and classes start on Wednesday I believe…I admit to a twinge of jealousy…but when he starts getting homework and stuff I’m sure he’ll be the jealous one!!

~Selanie

Let’s go back to Wednesday. I was so excited to go to the doctor to get my cast off and hear my good news. The news was supposed to go, “Well Selanie, your x-rays look great. Let’s start you on some physical therapy and in a few months you’ll be back to normal.”
Instead the news went. “Well Selanie, your x-rays show that everything is in place and should be healing, but you’re just not healing as fast as I thought you would. The fracture in your tibula seems to have healed great. But I can still see the fracture in your fibula, but I think it will fill in on it’s own. But, the talus is still in pieces, part of it is cut off from the blood supply, and the pieces are not healing together. Best case scenario if you don’t put any weight on it for the next few months it will heal itself. If not, then we may need to do another surgery, and if that doesn’t work, you may lose all motion in your ankle.”

No big deal right…no it IS a big deal. I’ve been freaking out since then. At first I was totally calm, I was just going to see how things went, and pray for the positive thing to happen. But after telling the story of my adventure to the doctor over, and over, and over again, I couldn’t take it anymore. I cried at my desk, I cried in the car on the way home, I cried when we got home, I cried that night, last night, but fortunately not today yet. The what if game is making me crazy. “What if I don’t ever heal? What if I don’t ever walk right again? What if I am not able to drive? What if I make my injury worse with my clumsiness? What if? What if? What if?”

Well then last night I realized that I am NOT in control of all of this, no matter how much I wanted to be. And even though I’m still struggling with wanting to be in control, I just have to let it go. And it’s not going to be easy, but I just need to let it go, and hope for the best. I started to think about how great it was that I finally made this breakthrough, but then I remembered how I am…I will make a breakthrough one day, and the next I am back to being depressed, so I got this great idea. At my church when we start a new sermon series there is a prayer that we say all together before the preacher starts his sermon…so I wrote myself a prayer!

“God you are in control, you’ve always been in control, and you always will be in control. Help me to realize I don’t have to be in control because you have the perfect plan for my life.”

So hopefully this slows down my “What If” game

To see your whole image
I will change the world